I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
