bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
