swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
