is wine microwaveable?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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