She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
