I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
