Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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