tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
