i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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