This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
