I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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