would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
