i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
