Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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