I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
