Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
