Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
