Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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