im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
