the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
