... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
