my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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