so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
