I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are a booty call, not a friend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
