its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
