we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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