I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
