i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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