Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
there's paper in my vomit.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
