end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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