just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
