My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
