that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
