I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
