i already hear my dad disowning me
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
