Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
