I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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