if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
