You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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