you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
