Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
