Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
