Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
