I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
