I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
