Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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