i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
