Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
