Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
