i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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